hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
