I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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