and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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