I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
