apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize