Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
