His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Drunk is not a location!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
