I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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