life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
