I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
