i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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