you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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