So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
