If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
