I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Success! We fucked roommates!
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