Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
