On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need to stop coming to work sober
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
