Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
