70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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