ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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