Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
