Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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