My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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