A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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