i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
