the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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