My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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