I want to make a zoo with you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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