Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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