i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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