im six kinds of drunk right now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Randomize
