1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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