Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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