i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
