Only a mothe r could love this liver
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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