When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
