there's paper in my vomit.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
