Duck Duck Cougar?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
