i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
