Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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