I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
