I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
