the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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