I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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