don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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