Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
