I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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