when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
