and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
