I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
