I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Operation Purity has been aborted
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
