if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
