WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
