I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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