Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize