I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
