my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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