i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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