Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
