i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
