Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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