Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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