I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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