why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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