i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
These tits shall not be calmed
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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