is your mom at the bar?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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